My brother always found me an irresponsible person, from elementary school even till now. I generally did not feel that way, because I was a responsible person in cases that interested me. I did know people forget things, and I did know to double check.

Under his criticism and influence, I was on the way to be more responsible just like him. I started to take notes when I was assigned some work, make some time buffer when things were uncertain, keep track of my calendar, and double check everything. At a moment, I felt like “I am changed” and I felt like “Everything is under control”. This feeling was awesome especially under comparison that my peers were always late, missed work, and forgot things.

Those habits maintained until college. I was disappointed by my friends, because they are always late for meals, and irresponsible in favors. It happened many many times, and I felt “TIRED”. I was tired of “why I have to bear with this”, tired of “why they keep doing it to me”, and tired of “why am I the only responsible person among the group”. I started to empathize my brother back in the time when I was irresponsible 🤧. I should’ve kept on my way… but if I did, I probably won’t have this chance to write this journal.

Being irresponsible is easy, but it hurts people’s feelings. For example, I hurt my girlfriend Alice’s feeling. When we are together, I feel like there are more things to consider, leading to a greater possibility to forget things. When we were planning to take a trip to Puerto Rico, she asked me to make plans, order relevant tickets, and pack luggage. I did not meet the deadline for the first two tasks. We also had consecutive tiny arguments everyday about my irresponsible behaviors during the preparation time. It was upsetting for her and very disappointing to me.

I admit that I took large percentage of the responsibility, because I did not finish the job in time and it was indeed my fault. I think this is another important part of being responsible — admit your fault. If you fail in something, you should be responsible to the failure, no matter what the excuses are. It is easy to say “I was busy” or “I forgot,” but those words do not undo the damage. And sometimes, you have to deal with the things that you don’t want to. Apologizing when you know you are wrong is uncomfortable. Fixing a mess you created is annoying. But that is what responsibility actually looks like — not just preventing mistakes, but owning them when they happen. I am still working on it. I don’t think I will ever be as disciplined as my brother, but I know now that responsibility is not a personality trait you either have or don’t. It is a choice you make every day, and some days I still choose wrong. But at least now, I know when I do.